Toughen Up Self-Defense Training Tips

I got an email from a frustrated subscriber with a very common question, “How Do I Prevent Myself From Freezing In A Confrontation?”  What happens if I’m paralyzed and unable to act in the terror of a violent situation?  He went on to provide me with a bit of background information:

Hi Randy:

Hope things are going well for you.  I receive your emails and wanted to ask you a question. I am a 5′ 6″ male, and may have similar issues as a woman in a self-defense situation. Except I have virtually no money to take (joke).

Anyway, I got interested in your site because I believe you address real situations and possibilities.  I read your “how to drop a bad guy” post, but in addition to the strength and height disadvantage, I tend to freeze up. I know this from being approached by people selling things on the street and  from a fight I was in. I wonder if you did or could address the “intimidation factor.”

Also, I have an acquaintance that likes to joke around when he sees me, presumably to show his dominance. He is 6′4, and picks me up by the lapels, grabs me from behind and lifts me up, acts as if he’s mad and pushes my shoulder,  and other stuff.  It occurs to me that this could be a common thing to do to a shorter weaker guy (on the street).

How do people of my stature prevent being intimidated about dealing with situations like these? If you’re interested in knowing, I am 41, and the people you deal with daily, are generally people I have a hard time dealing with whenever I run into them.

Recently I had a run in with a guy at a gas station who accused me at looking at his girlfriend.  I often find guys stare me down and try to impose their dominance with eye contact and getting in your space.  I even had a guy who squeezed my hand in a hand shake with the intention of either hurting me or breaking bones.

NO, I am NOT a troublemaker; these things happened over a period of years mostly, but it seems like a “guy” thing.

I even decided to volunteer to help in a juvenile detention center. When I was leaving, one of the teenagers stepped in front of me and said “now what are you going to do.”  I was thinking I can’t believe I have to go through this shit when I am here to help this jerk-off.  The volunteer manager told me I give off a sense of fear.

Randy, I appreciate your time in responding!!!! I do intend to buy your punching program, but what good is it to a guy who freezes up?

Here is my Response:

Thanks for writing.  Your problem is not at all uncommon.  In fact, not too long ago, I asked my readers what their single most “burning question” was that they wanted answered about self-defense.

The concern about “freezing up” in a confrontation came up over and over again.  Psychologists call it “hyper vigilance.”  I call it “the deer in the head lights syndrome.” or a “Brain Fart!”  Its a common self-defense concern that CAN be addressed and corrected.

You raise TWO issues however… one is in relation to the fear of hyper vigilance.  The other is a Victim Selection issue.

Freezing Up

Freezing up is caused by a lack of knowledge, a lack of training and/or a lack of self-confidence. There are two dynamics at work that can cause you to enter a hyper vigilant state:  Not knowing what to do or a lack of confidence in your ability to successfully carry it out.

First the “not knowing what to do” issue….

I’ll try not to get too complicated here but when something happens to you, your brain must detect, analyze and make sense of what’s happening.  It will then apply a solution based on your existing knowledge, experience and training. (How long that process takes is known as “Survival Reaction Time.”

In a stressful situation, such as a fight or confrontation, your stress response will kick in and your ability for creative and logical thinking is dramatically impaired.  So if you haven’t “pre-considered” your options, you could be in trouble.

If you are well-trained, you have already created a number of “self-defense solutions” and a response will be immediately available to you. The most appropriate response will be drawn from your “short term memory” (conscious thinking) and you will do it.

You see something happen, recognize it, decide what to do about it and then respond quickly and decisively.

If something happens that you are confused about, and you don’t have an obvious response, your brain must now access long term memory and scroll through all past knowledge and experience in search for an appropriate response.  This will definitely slow down your “Survival Reaction Time.”

You may  end up choosing a poor response (under reacting or over reaction) or, if your brain doesn’t find anything, it enters a  “looping process” and you freeze up. (not reacting at all)

The solution to the problem of freezing up is to do exactly what YOU are doing now… Start learning everything you can about self-defense and use “What-If” scenarios to mentally play out possible situations in your mind, decided in advance how you would like to respond to them.  (Perhaps I should qualify this a bit and tell you to learn everything you can about legitimate self-defense and the science of performance.  There is a lot of bullshit out there masquerading as legitmate fighting advice)

Lack of Confidence

The second issue that can cause people to freeze up in a critical situation is a lack of confidence.  You may be confronted and “know” what you are “supposed to do” but lack confidence in your ability to effectively pull it off.

Experience tells us that we do not attempt skills we lack confidence in while frightened and under stress.  You feel unable to control the situation or afraid that if your efforts fail it will only make matters worse… so you do nothing.

You can’t “fake” confidence.  It has to be “bought and paid for.”  Fortunately with the right training program, confidence can and will be enhanced by ongoing combative training.

I disagree with many self-defense instructors who tell their students to “pretend” to be strong, confident and capable even though they’re not. There’s a lot of advice in the personal development field about “pretending that you are already the person you’d like to be.” 

But when I guy’s preparing to kick your ass… that advice will only take you so far.  You can’t fake “athletic qualities” that you gain from combative training (which is what a predator picks up on) any more than you can fake a 300 pound bench press or 100 push-ups.

The key here is to undertake ongoing combative training to change yourself: you ability to perform (fight), the signals you project to others and the way you feel about yourself.  There is no better way to bolster your self-confidence than to get into great, functional shape.

Victim Selection

The other issue is the dynamics of “Victim Selection.”  The “rough housing,” challenges and bullying behavior you describe leads me to believe that you are being targeted as victim.  You are projecting “signals” of a victim mentality.

Predators (criminals, bullies etc.) select their victims on the basis of their perception of your ability or willingness to fight back or stand up for yourself.  They will often “test or interview” you prior to a predatory act to select or rule you out as a suitable target.

This assessment usually happens at a subconscious level and most often the “dirt bag” doesn’t know he’s doing it.

People who are constantly picked on and targeted are selected because of the signals and body language that they give off.

The way you move, walk, carry yourself and interact with others affects whether you project a victim profile or not.  Essentially, people who walk with confidence and ease, move with coordination and balance and basically project “athletic qualities” are seldom selected.  People who are attentive to their environment and aware of their surroundings are also unlikely to be targeted. (I wrote about this in a previous victim selection post)

That’s why people undertake the study of self-defense to deal with incidents of bullying and victimization but they usually never get the chance.  Their effort to prepare themselves for the “next time” an incident occurs… changes the profile that they project to the outside world. They no longer project the profile of a victim but instead send signals of someone ready, willing and able to defend him or herself.

The incidents of confrontaiton stop for a couple of reason.  First of all, regular training builds athletic qualities that cause you to move and carry yourself differently.  As your fitness, muslce tone and fighting skills improve… so does your self-confidence. This projects a “hardened target” or a “don’t-mess-with-me” profile to a potential assailant.

Secondly, through studying self-defense and getting clear in your head EXACTLY what your options are to deal with a variety of scenarios you project a degree of confidence and assertiveness when “tested” by a potential assailant.  You FAIL the test and send the predator on his way to search for a more suitable target.

The solution to the “rough housing” that you describe is not a matter of slick tricks and physical fighting tactics.  You’re not going to grab someone by a secret nerve point on the wrist and pin him to the floor.  You’re not going to blast a bone-crushing punch into the nose of your buddy because he’s trying to be funny.

The solution is assertiveness and mental preparation.  Its informing the person right then and there that you don’t appreciate the behavior and to knock it off.  You don’t have to be rude or aggressive but you should be assertive and get your point across:  “Leave me alone!”

The EASY answer?  Start training on a regular basis and the changes in your fitness, athletic qualities and self-confidence will quickly improve.  You’ll project a very different profile to a potential assailant and terminate the vast majority of confrontations before they happen.

Secondly, keep reading, learning and thinking about self defense. Give your brain a “road map” of what to do and how to handle volatile situations.  Have a plan A, a plan B and a plan C in mind that you can draw on in a volatile situation.

I’ll be laying out more details of my “Self-Defense Response Options” component in the blog. It will explain exactly what you need to know to make street smart decisions in dicey situations.

My advice to you is to get my Toughen Up Training Guides (or another high-quality self-defense “training” resource) and use them to set up a regular self-defense workout program.  Secondly keep reading and studying everything you can get your hands on about on self-defense (blogs, articles, books, seminars) and educate yourself about the dynamics and response options to volatile situations.

I hope this is helpful to you… If you have any other questions please feel free to email me.

Take care, train smart and stay safe…

Randy

Fighters Are Seldom Picked On

As someone who’s been teaching self-defense for over three decades, there’s many things I can say with confidence, and here’s one of them… trained fighters are seldom picked on or victimized.

I’ve seen it over and over again.  People turn to self-defense training and the martial arts to escape bullying, harassment or victimization. They are fed up with feeling threatened and vulnerable and, for the life of them, they can’t figure out why THEY are the ones who are repeatedly hassled.   “Why is everybody always picking on ME?”

They take up combative training to prepare themselves for the next time they’re targeted by a crook, bully or insecure retard.

They start working out and develop a physical and mental game plan for the “next time” they find themselves on the receiving end of a predatory situation. 

More times than not, “the next time” never happens.  For whatever reason the incidents stop.

The Law Of The Jungle

That’s the “Law of the Jungle” at work.  It’s a evolutionary process used by predators to evaluate or select a potential victim.

In nature, predators don’t select prey who are strong, defiant and “superior.”  They seek out the lost, the weak, the sick and the meek. They look for someone who they feel superior to.

Human predators are no different, they too seek out (whether consciously or unconsciously) an “inferior” victim.  They don’t want their job to be any more difficult, embarrassing or dangerous than it has to be.

Toughen Up!

Taking up self-defense training won’t eliminate the possibility of a volatile encounter.  It will however dramatically reduce it.

It’s the human equivalent of installing bars and deadbolts on your house or a club on the steering wheel of your car. It won’t stop someone from getting in if they want to.  It will however, increase the potential that they will go somewhere else.  It’ll send a criminal searching for a softer and easier target.

When applied to property, this is called “target hardening.” 

I call the human equivalent “Toughening Up.” Part of the toughening up process is making yourself less attractive as a potential victim or adversary.

Ongoing self-defense training will not only provide you with physical skills, improved fitness and a sense of emotional resilience but will also change the way you look, move and the signals you project to the people around you.

The Passive Approach to Self-Defense Has It’s Limits

I’m not a fan of “passive self-defense advice” The “sit-on-your-ass-and-do-nothing-but-listen” approach to self-defense is not going to have a huge impact on your personal safety.

Nor is the “one-time-crash-course,” where you learn a handful of physical skills but don’t practice or even think about them after the class, course or seminar.

I firmly believe that the key, the secret, the holy grail of self-defense is the training process.

Don’t get me wrong, learning the theories and dynamics of volatile and violent behavior is beneficial.  The more you know about violent and volatile situations, the more capable you will be at recognizing and responding to them. 

However, it’s benefit to your personal safety will be dramatically magnified when that knowledge is combined with “combative workouts.”

Some self-defense instructors advise students to “act or pretend” to be strong, assertive and defiant.  Walk briskly, carry yourself with confidence and stand up straight.  If confronted, ALWAYS defy and challenge your assailant (and run the risk of pissing him off even more).  If only it were that simple. (cuz it isn’t)

This advice is as silly as telling someone to “act or pretend” that they can bench press 300 pounds or drop down and blast off 100 push ups… when the can’t.

I guess it goes back to the “Bluffing and Bullshit” post I wrote a while back… Faking will only take you so far.

The Grayson/Stein Study

In 1984 two researchers, Betty Grayson and Morris I. Stein, researched the criteria predators use when selecting victims. They videotaped several pedestrians on a busy New York City sidewalk without their knowledge.

They later showed the tape to convicts who were incarcerated for violent offenses (rape, murder, robbery, etc.) They instructed them to pick people on the tape who would make desirable victims. The results were interesting.

Within seven seconds, the participants made their selections. What baffled researchers was the consistency of the people selected. The criteria were not readily apparent. The selection did not appear to be specific to race, age, size or gender.

Even the convicts didn’t know exactly why they selected as they did. Some people just looked like “easy targets.” The predator/prey selection process seemed to happen unconsciously based on body language.

Video Analysis

Still at a loss of specific selection criteria, researches conducted a more thorough analysis of the movement and body language of the people on the videotape. Here is an overview of the results:

1. Stride:

People selected as victims had an exaggerated stride: either abnormally short or long. They dragged, shuffled or lifted their feet unnaturally as they walked. Non-victims, on the other hand, tended to have a smooth, natural gate. They stepped in a heel-to-toe fashion.

2. Rate:

Victims tend to walk at a different rate than non-victims. Usually, they walk slower than the flow of pedestrian traffic. Their movement lacks a sense of deliberateness or purpose. However, an unnaturally rapid pace can project nervousness or fear.

3. Fluidity:

Researchers noted awkwardness in a victim’s body movement. Jerkiness, raising and lowering one’s center of gravity or wavering from side to side as they moved became apparent in the victims analyzed. This was contrasted with smoother, more coordinated movement of the non-victims.

4. Wholeness:

Victims lacked “wholeness” in their body movement. They swung their arms as if they were detached and independent from the rest of their body. Non-victims moved their body from their “center” as a coordinated whole implying strength, balance and confidence.

5. Posture and Gaze:

A slumped posture is indicative of weakness or submissiveness. A downward gaze implies preoccupation and being unaware of one’s surroundings. Also, someone reluctant to establish eye contact can be perceived as submissive. These traits imply an ideal target for a predator.

So what’s my point?

Are you starting to get the point here?  Knowing what  you now know, is it any wonder why people who turn to regular self-defense training quickly become “non-victims?”

“Non-victim Signals” are the qualities of a trained and capable fighter.  They are the athletic qualities of movement that can only come from conditioning and coordinating your brain and your body through self-defense (or other forms of athletic) training.

So to make a long story short… the Predatory Selection Process is built around looking for weak, unconfident, unconditioned and uncoordinated people who won’t or can’t fight back.

THAT is why people who undertake combative training, self-defense and martial arts find that the victimization that they had formerly experienced stops.

Knowledge Is Still Important

That being said, I don’t believe the most legitimate solution to predatory or confrontational situations is fighting your way out of them.  The study of self-defense is about training you mind to detect, recognize and resolve volatiles situations long before they turn violent.

However, by acquiring the qualities of movement that can only be gained through ongoing training, you dramatically decrease the probability of being selected in the first place.

So what is the answer?  Learn as much as you can about how violent situations happen, how to recognize them, and what to do about them AND start training.  A combined approach of knowledge and action is the best way to… TOUGHEN UP!

If you need some help, advice and instructions… my Toughen Up Training Guides will get you started on the path of learning how to fight… so you won’t have to.

Take care, train smart and toughen up…

Randy